I am pooossstttiiinnng.

wooaaah oh oh oh... for the longest time

I'm listening to Billy Joel... damn, I love this man. I love every song. I just turn it on and instantly feel better - and if not better, at least I have good music to hum to.

I feel like my life has been rather dull as of late. Ian's taking a weird break from school, and so am I. The friends I hang out with right now (sans Alisha and Emily) are mostly people who stopped at high school - maybe have some college - and work jobs that could be considered dead end. I really, really don't want that, but at this point I still feel like if I went back to school it would just be a waste of my money and time. I can't concentrate. I still have no idea what the hell I want to do.

My GPA the past few quarters has been severely lacking. I've always either done really well in a class, or mediocre. And the deciding factor is ALWAYS how challenging it is. If I find the class to be hard, I work hard, and usually get a B or higher (this has been the same for science classes lately - which is weird). If I don't find the class hard, or interesting, I just zone out and waste that education on daydreams and doodles. It's a really bad habit.

I have a few more quarters left at SFCC... Then probably Eastern. I'd love to go to Whitworth, but I have to be realistic. It's not going to happen. My GPA is too bad and I'm not the kind of person who would play the "My mom died and I kind of fucked up my life after that." excuse, no matter how true it is.

If this was anyone elses situation, I'd be completely understanding. But it's mine and I absolutely hate it. I need to get off my ass and do something. I just don't know how or what to do.

I am endlessly frustrated by this situation.

drunkity drunk drunk drunkst

I'm sick and now it is time to bitch about it.

First off, I hate headaches. I get them so often now that whenever I realize I have one (is it weird that it usually takes me awhile to realize I've acquired a new headache? It's usually a specific kind of noise that triggers it) I immediately am in a bad mood.

The past two days I've had a headache that makes me feel like death. It's heavy. Noise makes it worse... but it's really specific. Screeching noises don't bug me any more than they usually would. But a thud, like dropping a book, makes me want to cry. It splits my head open down the middle.

My ears, teeth, and temples hurt. Basically, my sinuses. I also have a sore throat - which also makes my ears hurt. So a headache plus sore throat that makes multiple parts of my body hurt with different ailments. It sucks. I dislike it.

Normally, the fact that I'm awake right now wouldn't be that big of a deal. I'm usually awake... and I've slept most of the day away anyway, so whatever. But I have to be at work at 7. Which means waking up at 6. Which means I'll be working on four hours of sleep with a six or seven hour break between my last rest.

So I'll basically be running off of a really intense nap.

This was a lot of complaining over nothing... I just really don't like being sick. It makes me grumpy and angry.

Also, the bars close in seven minutes. I except to be awake at least another hour listening to the drunks downtown stumbling about.

Oh well. Time for more Niquil.

PUPPY TIME:

I have a puppy. Her name is Toast. She is about 12 weeks old and is adorable.

The end.

but i know one thing: that i love you.

I'm laying next to Ian in bed (he's trying to sleep, I'm being obnoxious and blogging like that chick in the newest House episode) and having one of those "I love you so damn much" moments.

I dooo, I dooo, I doooooo.

I think this man completes me. I think there were cracks and broken pieces, ones that most people have (and maybe a few more than normal just because life really likes me), and he's just the right thing to fix them and fill me up. I don't think he'll ever realize it, either. He's completely 100% the one for me and I am so happy for every day that I am with him.

Even when we fight - which is really just me having a bad day and exploding on him and then getting mad that he doesn't get angry at me for it - it's all fine. I just stomp around and pout and then go and curl up with him and forget that I was bothered in the first place.

It's nice having someone who does that.

I can't wait for the next oh so many years of my life. :)

♥

New update on guest:

He invited another friend over... so I'm giving him an ultimatum: if you plan on staying with Ian and I, you will get food stamps. Or you will leave. If you get a job, then you are expected to move out. Until then, you will get food stamps or you are kicked out. We just expect maybe $100 of what you get. Probably less. Just buy your own damn food.

I am ready to kill right now.

I'm going to call you about this soon, Molls!

gaaaaah.

Life as of late:

Ian and I are working on getting ourselves a dog. I'm excited! Really! It's going to be awesome, we'll have this little Corgi pup (he insists on a puppy, I really don't care) that we're looking at... We shall name him Toast and he will be ours. Or she. It depends. Anyway, a puppy. Generally a time for good feelings all around...

But I'll admit to being a little hesitant to a dog at this point. I would really love a puppy - I've easily spent the past six months looking for one - but right now, my stress level is through the roof.

We have a friend of Ian's crashing with us. He's cool, I don't mind the guy at all, but the extra person in the apt is making it really hard to get anything clean. Things just keep getting moved around. Dishes, clothes, everything. I look around and want to clean this mess up, but there's no room, and there's never any time to clean it without him (Ian's friend) being here. And I don't necessarily think it's his job to clean up my apt. I should be doing that. But I'm really not in the mood to start cleaning (which I have before) only to take a break and then have everything wander back to how it originally was.

I want my fucking apartment clean. I'm a slob and in general a mess, but I am SO SICK OF HOW MESSY IT IS!

And here's the deal... if we're getting a puppy, I demand this place be fucking spotless. I'm not risking a dog that I make a $100 pet deposit on - plus the cost of the dog and food and everything else - choking on some random thing on the ground because the floor is too messy. I'm sorry. It's not working like that.

So tomorrow is most likely going to be a cleaning day. Maybe even tonight. I'm more of a night owl anyway, I like to clean when it's dark out. Not really sure why. Day is a time for rest. NIGHT IS A TIME FOR CLEANING.

This is a nice apartment. I think it would work best if it was just one person living here. It's not bad for two... but for three? FOR THREE FUCKING PEOPLE? There is not enough damn room.

I also think I might have finally found a place to put my comics, considering the book shelf is full and the closet is overflowing. I am quite excited for this.

But... gaaaahhh! Really! REALLY NOW! I can't have this third person in my apartment for much longer. It's been a month. The entire first month I have been in my new apartment with my boyfriend and IT HASN'T BEEN JUST THE TWO OF US LIVING HERE. Sure, Matt will go and visit his friends and stay there for a few days, but I use those days just to calm down and enjoy the alone time I don't get.

I need alone time with Ian.

I need alone time to just be with him. I'll be on my computer, he'll be on his, and together we'll just do our things for a couple hours.

I also need alone time to cuddle Ian.

I need alone time to make dinner with him.

... and to have sex with him.

In general, I just need some fucking time to actually settle in to my new apartment with my boyfriend and NOT have someone here who isn't paying rent. Or for anything. And while I don't dislike Matt, I can't keep lending him things of mine and Ian's. He's not entitled to my computer. Or to Ian's. He's not entitled to ANYTHING of ours. I don't mind sharing, I really don't, but it's beginning to drive me absolutely mad.

He won't even get food stamps. He's unemployed and currently without a place that's actually his own, and he REFUSES to get food stamps because he doesn't want to be "part of the system."

Excuse me, I WANT FOOD STAMPS. I'VE WANTED THEM FOR YEARS. I SHOULD BE ELIGIBLE. YOU ARE ELIGIBLE AND YOU REFUSE TO GET THEM. IT MAKES ME WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE.

I think once I get all the boxes moved out, once I finally settle on a way to organize things, and one Matt is the FUCK out of my apartment, it will become home. Until then, we just have someone staying, and it isn't my home yet. Which frustrates me endlessly.

... I'm going to go kick something.